How to Help a Family Member

Because abusers tend to rely on control tactics, they will often limit, discourage or even forbid their wives, girlfriends or partners to keep contact with family members. They may not even allow them to attend school or go to work. If you suspect that a family member is being abused, here are a few steps you can take to help:

• First, do what you can to get her away from her abuser to a private place that doesn't put you or your family member in danger.
• Tell her that you're concerned about her safety and well being. Knowing that she has your support and love may help her come to terms with the reality of her relationship.
• Offering your house as a temporary shelter is generous, but this can also put you and your own family at risk. Instead, call 1.800.799.SAFE to locate a domestic violence shelter in your area. If you live in the Tulsa area, ask your family member to call DaySpring Villa at 918.245.4075 to make arrangements. Remember, it is the responsibility of the person being abused to take the first step and make the call for help.
• Allow her time to heal. At DaySpring Villa, we offer the staff and services that allow each woman protective shelter and the time she needs to determine her future course.

How to Help a Friend

Next to our family, our friends are our closest allies. For most of us, they are like an extended family with who we can share our most sacred secrets. We rely on them and they on us, in good times and bad. But now you find yourself in a quandary. You're convinced that your friend's boyfriend, partner or husband is abusing or battering them. You're concerned, maybe even angry, and you want the abuse to stop but you don't want to risk alienating them. Here are a few tips to help you and your friend.

• Set up a time to talk privately. Invite her to your place for coffee, or in a public place that offers the opportunity for quiet conversation.
• Be honest and tell her that you're concerned for her well-being; that you've seen a change in her that's not right. Let her know that you're there to help.
• Listen. Allow her the opportunity to share whatever she feels comfortable telling you. You may hear weak excuses and self-blame for visible injuries or even a feeling of worthlessness and blame for a relationship that's gone wrong.
• Be supportive. Do not accuse her of lying or covering up for an abusive boyfriend, partner or husband. Instead, tell her that you're here to help. After all, that's what friends are for, right? Tell her that you understand her relationship is difficult but that there are solutions to remedy relationship problems and you're willing to help her find those solutions.
• Encourage her. Let her know that her life is worth more than what she's experiencing right now. That there are people and places that can help her regain her self-esteem, self-respect and independence.
• Offer support. Tell her about DaySpring Villa and how we've transformed the lives of more than 6,300 women and their children who were battered and abused. That we offer goals-based programs for women and children's programs to end the cycle of domestic violence. That we experience more success stories than she can ever imagine to return her to the person she was always meant to be.
• Make a safety plan. Help her devise an emergency exit should the abuse become life-threatening. This may include packing a to-go bag with basic items like clothing and hygiene products; important documents like a birth certificate, driver's license and any property or car titles in her name; a spare car and house key; a cell phone; and any other vital items.
• Be patient. For most domestic violence victims, leaving their abuser takes time, and unfortunately, many return to their abuser numerous times before finally realizing that he will never change.
• Reinforce your friendship with her and let her know that you're always on her side, ready for her to be the happy, content friend you used to know, and prepared to help her get to a safe place.

How to Help a Stranger

Every week at the grocery store, a restaurant or in church you've noticed a woman with visible signs of injury. She generally keeps to herself and avoids eye contact or interaction with others. You want to help but you are reluctant to confront her about a situation you only suspect.

Helping a stranger is not as easy as it used to be. The age we live in prevents many of us from reaching out to someone we don't know for fear of reprisal and a prevailing mindset that, nowadays, no good deed goes unpunished. Still, there is a way to help an abused stranger without putting yourself at risk.

• Write her a personal note. Tell her that you suspect she is being abused and you want to help by providing the name and phone number of a local domestic violence shelter, such as DaySpring Villa. You don't have to use your name.
• If the stranger is not with her suspected abuser, slip the note in her hand. If she works behind a counter and is not accessible, give the note to another employee and ask her to deliver it to the stranger.
• If this scenario isn't possible, call DaySpring Villa at 918.245.4075 to discuss other options available to help someone you suspect is being abused.
• If you hear loud arguments between any stranger and her suspected abuser or even from neighbors that you believe could lead to violence, call 911.
• Remember, any victim of domestic violence must be the person to call for help.