The Gaslighting Effect

In the 1944 film Gas Light, Charles Boyer embarks on a well-crafted mission to drive his wife certifiably insane. What begins as planting the seeds of self-doubt in an otherwise mentally healthy woman soon turns into a diabolical campaign to have her institutionalized: A missing painting on the wall that never existed. A lost watch found in a handbag. The strange dimming of lights in the house. Footsteps in the attic.

Dr. Robyn Stern, author of The Gaslighting Effect, explains that this extreme form of emotional and mental abuse is actually quite common. "Gaslighting can occur between any two people in any walk of life if the intention is there," she says. "It may start with a series of subtle mind games that intentionally preys on the gaslightee's limited ability to tolerate ambiguity or uncertainty. This is done to undercut the victim's trust in their own sense of reality or sense of self, thus resulting in confusion and perplexity by the victim."

At age 36, Kelly James was married to a highly successful business executive in Arkansas. With two small children, she juggled roles as wife, mother and college student as she worked to finish her bachelor's degree in psychology. But Kelly suspected her husband of having an affair. When she confronted him with her suspicions, he twisted her accusation into a bizarre finger point of his own.

"He said, 'I don't love you anymore. You're not nice,'" Kelly recalls. "He kept repeating that, over and over. That was the start of my year of hell—in hindsight, my insanity. I had always been a strong person, bold, determined and sure of myself. But in that very moment, all those qualities seemed to float away. The next 11 months were dark and devastating, leaving me with the belief that I was crazy."

Kelly's husband soon accused her of having an affair, of mistreating the children, and intentionally trying to harm his career. He accused her of stealing his money and having a boyfriend.

"The distortion of reality started slowly, with small things in what I believe was his preparation for making me feel crazy as the accusations became more relevant," Kelly says. "Was I truly not seeing things correctly? Was what I saw that led me to believe he was having an affair not true? The contradictions, denials, mistakes, misunderstandings, lies and deceit became grandiose."

One such incident followed an AIDS/STD screening Kelly had due to her husband's infidelities. "I didn't know who or how many women he was sleeping with," she says. "But he knew I'd had the test. I discovered that he had put a recording device on the phone to track my movements and had been for months."

When she admitted having the test, Kelly watched as her husband suddenly crumbled in grief. "He began crying, accusing me of destroying the family by bringing disease into the home, giving him a disease and killing him. Looking back, it was quite the performance."

With her divorce final and long behind her, Kelly has transitioned out of what she terms a "functional depression" into a happy, successful doctor who works to help others in abusive situations. As a therapist, Kelly James brings first-hand experience of emotional and mental abuse to her work and a cautionary tale of intimate partners who wear secret faces.

"I had respected and admired my husband," Kelly says in retrospect. "He came from what appeared to be a great Christian family. I didn't come from that kind of family, so I must be the problem. I must be wrong. He has to be right and I was insane. Not so."