The Secret Life of the Abused Husband

"Whether it's a woman, man or child, domestic violence is one of the most indiscriminate crimes our nation experiences every day." – Susan Cox, assistant director, DaySpring Villa.

In the 1991 made-for-TV movie, Men Don't Tell, actors Peter Strauss and Judith Light portray a married couple in the throes of a shockingly violent relationship. Behind the door of their sprawling home in an affluent neighborhood, this financially successful husband and wife reverse the roles of what most consider the usual kind of domestic violence. The movie was the first time audiences had ever witnessed or considered that a woman could be capable of physically, verbally and emotionally abusing a partner she claimed to love.

While studies report that women fall in the majority of domestic violence victims, there is plenty of evidence to suggest that men, too, can just as easily fall victim to an abusive female partner. Most boys learn early on never to strike a woman, no matter how angry they become. They are taught restraint by what they observe between their own parents during heated arguments or occasional disagreements. They grow up believing that "real men" don't discuss relationship problems outside of the home. They are repelled by the thought being labeled a wimp or victim.

"Like many women who are victims of physical violence, men downplay any suggestions that their romantic partner intentionally hurts them," says Susan Cox, assistant director of DaySpring Villa. "There is a definite stigma a battered man faces if he tells anyone, so he doesn't. He doesn't know where to seek help as most programs are designed for women, but he is also reluctant to seek help as he believes he can remedy the situation on his own."

The Stories We Never Hear

DaySpring Villa Director Wilma Lively recalls coming face to face last year with a man who admitted he was abused by his ex-wife. During a presentation at a Rotary Club meeting, Lively described to the group DaySpring Villa's women and children's shelter and cited examples of the survivors there who experienced years of spousal or intimate partner abuse. Following the presentation, she was approached by a man in his 50s who had attended the meeting.

"He was obviously a business professional who had listened intently to what I had to say," Lively says. "And then he told me very quietly that his ex-wife had physically abused him during their marriage. They were no longer together because of her abuse, but what struck me most was his courage to step forward and say, 'I had this experience. It's not just women who are victims.' "

The Internet provides a number of anonymous forums for men to tell their stories as victims of abuse without fear of reprisal or compromising their masculinity. On one particular site, a former victim of female spousal abuse details his journey from victim to survivor.

"Even now, long after the relationship ended, I still have trouble uttering that simple, painful acknowledgement," one man writes. "I was a battered man. Saying it makes me cringe; makes me feel like a coward. At first, I would switch off whenever I saw a newspaper article or TV report about domestic violence because I knew I was about to be subjected to yet another vilification of men and their propensity to beat women, before muttering to myself, 'Hey, what about guys like me?'

"Let's get one thing straight. In no way am I denying the problem of battered women or trying to downplay their grief. Violence in a relationship is reprehensible, but the mistake that's made is that violence is seen as exclusively male in origin. As a victim, I began to identify with females portrayed on TV, with their downcast, shamed eyes and their cuts, bruises and eye swellings, and smiled wryly to myself when the reporter would inevitably ask, 'If you were being beaten so regularly, why didn't you simply leave?'

"I knew the answer to that one. First of all, you live in the hope that your truly beloved will come to her senses and do something about her violent tendencies. And then, of course, there's the problem of what happens when you do try to leave. In my case, it caused a final flurry of totally out-of-control violence, a string of court appearances, the loss of most of my possessions, the constant redirecting of money to lawyers, and the cold, harsh reality of having to restart my life from scratch. But I came through. I made it. I am a survivor."

Solutions to Regain Dignity and Rediscover Self-Worth

Unlike female victims of domestic violence, men demonstrate markedly different coping skills in an abusive relationship.

First, they often take the stance that they can handle the situation and the physical pain by themselves. After all, being hit, slapped, punched and kicked are not so different than injuries sustained on an athletic playing field.

Second, as the movie title Men Don't Tell suggests, abused men overwhelmingly keep silent due to embarrassment or ridicule. They also typically face a greater degree of disbelief even if they confide to a friend.

Third, men, by their nature, often escape an unhealthy home life by spending more time away from the situation – staying late at the office or disappearing into the garage or their man-cave – to avoid confrontation by an abusive wife or girlfriend.

For men seeking help from an abusive relationship, DaySpring Villa offers a non-residential program that provides advocacy, resources and services for male abuse victims. The shelter also partners with John 3:16 Mission for just these cases to provide clean, safe, temporary shelter for men until other emergency housing can be located. All services are confidential and create an immediate opportunity to assist men caught in a violent situation.

"For men who are ready to leave their abusers, who believe they and their children could at any time face imminent danger from a violent partner, they have to take the first step to change their situation," says Susan Cox. "Although DaySpring Villa is a women's shelter, we are fully aware that men just as easily can become domestic violence victims. We have the services and resources that can assist them in their recovery, but they have to first make the call."

To learn more about DaySpring Villa's non-residential program for men, call us at 918.245.4075.