The Long Road to Healing

In the simplest terms, loss is the cornerstone of healing. Loss of a spouse, parent, child or friend. Loss of employment. Loss of a pet. Even loss of a home that could not be saved.

Experts on loss and healing agree that experiencing loss is part of the natural order of life. Some use loss to empower their lives going forward, accepting loss as a lesson that either prepares for other unexpected losses in life, or warns of making bad choices that inevitably lead to more losses. Others use loss as an excuse for isolation; self-medicating which, consequently, only extends the feeling of loss; or developing a hatred for all things that cannot be controlled.

In the case of domestic violence, control by an abuser over an intimate partner becomes a natural order for the relationship. Despite the regular trauma inflicted upon the victim, the victim begins to accept that trauma as "normal." This normalcy can be described in hundreds of ways as each victim owns her own story and her own reasons for allowing the violence to continue.

"Many of the domestic violence and sex trafficking victims we work with grew up in violent homes, so they view their abuser as the same controlling partner they experienced with a parent, a mother's boyfriend, or another dominant personality in the home," says Wilma Lively, executive director of DaySpring Villa.

"Other victims grow up with no self-esteem or attention of any kind. So even when they experience a punch to the face or derogatory name-calling, this is a form of attention that fills their emptiness by reinforcing that their partner acknowledges them and must, therefore, care for them."

A Time to Heal

Healing from the destructive effects of domestic violence or sex trafficking occurs differently for every victim. While they may share commonalities, whether in the past or present, each woman must come to terms with the fact that the violence inflicted upon them is not, or ever was, their fault.

According to Gail Kielson, a noted writer on the subject of domestic violence and healing, the body's memory contains a long shelf-life. "The by-product of living with trauma is that it takes up residence in the body, settles into the pores, and attaches itself to the muscles and organs. The body becomes the receptacle. It remembers pain, senses danger, reacts to anything that is a reminder of that trauma."

Lively suggests that time filled with purpose is the first step to healing for abused women. This is one reason DSV does not limit the amount of time a guest can remain at the shelter.

• Understand that the abuser is responsible for his actions and never was the victim's fault
• No one deserves to be battered or abused, or made a human commodity for the purposes of sex trafficking
• The survivor is the expert of her own recovery process. This includes seeking professional help, making better choices, identifying their own needs, and developing a positive vision for their future
• While victims may not understand why they made a particular choice that brought them to this point, remember that victims make the best (and sometimes only) choices and decisions they can under the constraints they face at the time
• Healing does not happen overnight. However, everyone has the ability to recover from traumatic experiences, particularly with support and the time required to accept the past, grow from the pain, and determine never to repeat old mistakes.

If you or someone you know and love is caught in a domestic violence or sex trafficking situation, call DaySpring Villa at 918.245.4075.